GARETH BARRY is pleased to announce that he has appointed S.Gerrard as his new agent and that he will play for Aston Villa and Liverpool next season.The FA are taking this into account in arranging the fixture schedule.Barry will not be permitted to play against himself however and this could jeopardise the arrangement.
DIMITAR BERBATOV and his agent have been abducted by aliens,this explains the lack of bids for the player and the puzzling silence since the end of the season.There are rumours that he will play for "Dark side United" next season despite being offered a new contract at Tottenham.His agent beamed a message via satelite saying that the favourable £/moon dust exchange rate made the deal a certainty,probably.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR have been given permission to play with 15 players next season as they have been linked with so many people.FA officials have argued that since teams seem to play better with ten men having 15 will be a positive disadvantage.
NEWCASTLE will only play with 8 players next season as nobody wants to play for them and so many players are leaving.FA officials say that this will give them an advantage(see announcement above re teams playing better with ten men) and they will start a goal down in away matches and two down at home.
ARSENAL have been invited to play in the French league next season.
ANGER MANAGEMENT is a new company formed under the aegis of Sir Alec Ferguson.He is quoted as saying that Wayne Rooney has a long way to go before he has any hope of reaching the levels achieved by Sir Alec himself.
Joey Barton has been appointed a senior lecturer in off the pitch activities and Robbie Savage a consultant in the "putting yourself about" department.Rooney himself has enrolled and his first year topic will be "Referees and how to abuse them."(without getting sent off)John Terry is already Emeritus Professor in this discipline.Sorry that should be in this lack of discipline.
AVRAM GRANT and SVEN-GORAN ERIKSSON will star in a new show called "Ungrateful Foreign Bastards we have met".The opening number will be a rewrite of the old Music Hall favourite "What do we have to do, for fuck's sake, to keep our jobs?" Martin Jol and all the Real Madrid managers who have ever won La Liga are rumoured to be in the chorus.
STEVE McLAREN had been hoping to be appointed appointed caretaker manager at Man.City until Thaksiswhatisname decided that Hughes is to be sacked next season. Sorry mix-up on the agency wires.That should read, ' Steve Mclaren had been hoping to be appointed caretaker at Man.City'
RONALDO has just read this blog and wants to play for both Real Madrid and Man.Utd.next season.In the event of the teams being drawn against each other in the Champions' Leaque,Ronaldo will have a penalty shoot out with himself to decide which side he plays for.(JimmyG2 says that this is a damn silly idea and it just wont work.Sir Alex is livid.No change there then)
LIVERPOOL have been invited to play in the Spanish League next season.
THE FA have announced that they will run English classes for managers next season. They hope to extend this to foreign managers in the near future.Any club employing a non English speaking manager with a Uruguan acting as interpreter and a French Director of Football will be in line for a very very big grant.