Welcome to the latest edition of Crimewatch FA. We have a number of interesting cases this week and we are starting with the most serious.
Witnesses are sought for a shooting in which a student was wounded in the Cobham area by a 30 yr.old man with a powerful .22 air rifle. In the words of the old song he claimed that; 'I didn't know the gun was loaded'. After an internal enquiry he has been fined in the region of £400,000, nearly three weeks wages. This clearly shows that not only the gun but the alleged shooter were loaded.
An Italian character witness has stated that the assailant is a 'role model' but didn't specify for whom or for what.
The police have denied that the intended victim was the team leader. A police spokesman commented that if it had been they wouldn't be bothering to investigate under the FA 'fair play to the lad' rules.
Russian Mafia involvement has been strenuously denied. This was a criminal act by a lone marksman sources reveal. The WFK Cold Case group have been alerted
Enquiries have been received from an organisation in N17 who are interested in the 'shooters' prowess.
(Contact: Firing blanks@BarnDoor.com)
A vicious attack on a innocent bystander was carried out by Liverpool man at the weekend in broad daylight in front of 60,000 people. Witnesses are being encouraged not to bother reporting the incident as several officials were present but saw nothing amiss and no charges will be brought.
The senior official's attention has been drawn to the most recent Specsavers two for one offers.
(Contact: If it was anybody else@CameraNeverLies.com)
A brutal mugging was carried out in the Wembley area by a little known gang from Birmingham who set about an innocent, not to say naïve, group from the North London area out for an afternoon stroll in the park Intelligence suggests that this was a pre-arranged 'rumble'. Anyone who knows anything at all about this Midlands gang is urged to contact the The French Embassy where the post mortems are being carried out. At least two of the effete squad went missing during the affray.
A key witness claims that he never saw it.
(Contact: Je ne l'ai pas vu@ SixYearsAnd Waiting.com)
Enquiries into the whereabouts of a Scottish man already well known to the police are being wound down. Reports of an ugly bust up with his line manager have been denied and he has returned to his place of work after a two week disappearance. He has been seen all over the place for several months.
Apparently it was his groin that was strained and not relations with his manager. The case is being wound down and the sole officer assigned to the case re-directed back to Traffic.
(Don’t contact: WTF@AlansGoneMissingAgain.com)
The police are warning North London residents that a crack Italian squad are planning a raid in the coming weeks. They are seeking revenge for a serious smash and grab incident in the Milan area.
Police have prevented the most well known hit man, Gennaro 'Crazyhead' Gattuso, from coming. Mathieu Flamini who allegedy carried out a unprovoked attack on a Croatian citizen cannot be prevented from travelling as he has already had his wrist slapped lightly for the offence.
(Contact: Be very afraid@GarethIsBack.com)
Police sources confirm that a case of discrimination raised by members of a sporting organisation in North London have been referred on to the Race Relations committee. It concerns an Irish citizen who has already had his membership put on hold and a Russian who claims that he is being refused admission despite having all the correct documentation, in favour of two Englishmen whose qualifications are strikingly inferior. We await further developments on this matter.
The police would also like to deny a report of an increase in daylight robberies. Increasing reports are being received about crime where officials are turning a blind eye to major infringements. But statistics show that the such claims have been constant over the past 150 yrs.
'Twas ever thus' a senior officer remarked.
(To view the full stats (contact: Diabolical@WeWuzRobbed.com)
or contact Steve Bruce or Mick McCarthy direct.
If you have any information on these matters do please contact us. Like the Russian gentleman we are waiting for your call.