There is another way.
Welcome friends to the Inaugural Meeting of the Tottenham Hotspur International Neutrals Group (THING) Many of you will have been true devoted supporters of Tottenham Hotspur for many years but are finding the strain on your nerves too debilitating to endure. Despair not, for help is at hand.
Our organisation enables you to give the same devotion to the team and yet not put your health and sanity on the line. By joining you will be able to enjoy the performances without worrying about the result. Tottenham are clearly the 'neutrals' favourites and we aim to provide a haven for such people and at the same time provide a secure home for those whose mental balance is under threat.
Benefits include a weekly edited newsletter which does not refer in any way to league tables, or results and from which the name of Jenas has been redacted. Only positive reviews are included and a new feature is the monthly omission of the name of any player deemed to have played below par.
This month's non featured player is H.G****. Last month's was J******* D****.
In this first issue a free pair of rose coloured spectacles is included through which all Spurs games can be viewed. Next month ear defenders will be included to isolate you from fans at the ground or in the pub demanding more effort or evidence of 'mental strength' from individuals or groups.
Later soothing 'Whale songs' CD's will be available. In due course scented eye pads for those that become so unconcerned that they can't even be arsed to watch the games any more.
Thus you will be able to watch or even ignore Tottenham matches free from anxiety over the result and be able to contemplate the sheer artistry of P**** C***** and the breathtaking pace of V**** C******. You will become a supporter or even an ex-supporter rather than a fan(atic)
In the review of last night's game for example the fact that we were 3-1 down before half time will be tactfully ignored and the good news story that for the second time this season we gave Arsenal a 2 goal advantage and still took 4pts of them will feature prominently.
Emphasis will be laid not on the fact that we went a goal down within ten minutes once again but that we have the highest points tally in the Premiership after going behind.
The first half performance of Tom Huddlestone apart from his stunning goal will be omitted. The two brilliant saves of H. G**** will be featured and not his failure to save a shot from Nasri which seemed to pass into the middle of the goal from a central position. It will exaggerate the 'nick' that occurred as it went through Dawson's legs and a ball's eye view demonstrating that G**** was completely unsighted.
You will be free to dwell on the fine performances of Ekotto, Van Der Vaart, and Modric rather than the deficiencies of W****** G*****. The fact that our strikers failed to score once again will be omitted from the reports which will highlight the fact that all three goals came from mid-fielders.
Bales injury will be ignored and the fact that Van Der Vaart completed a second full game and scored twice will be the main thrust of the reports.
So, dedicated fans, seize this new approach. Adopt the neutral position and start to enjoy the games.
Who cares about coming 4th and getting back into the Champions League? Who is concerned whether we beat Arsenal? Who is bothered whether W.Ham get relegated and R***** K**** comes back to us?
As the old song has it
'You gotta accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative.....
Take this case study as an example:
Jimmy, broken down by sex and age is an elderly, male Spurs fan. For many years he really cared and suffered terribly because of it. His wife took to wearing shin pads in bed so accustomed was she to being subjected to late tackles and being awoken by shouts of 'Goal' and ' For F**** sake Harry!'
Then one day she saw an advert for THING in her copy of 'Heat' magazine and bought Jimmy a membership for his birthday. Now Jimmy doesn't give a damn and enjoys every game. He loves Harry and his wife's sleep is undisturbed. Harry himself is our patron and declared even today that he doesn't care if we make 4th, as there's always next year.
These are just two examples of the tranquillity and objectivity that can be yours for less than a packet of chewing gum a day. Sir Alex please note. Arsene Wenger is a sad example of what can happen if you persist in thinking that the result really matters. That man should never be let near a water bottle again.
So join today and live in peace and harmony with yourself. Relax and enjoy the game. When you see the headline 'Great game for the neutrals' rejoice because it's to you that they are referring.
W.Brom? We will play beautifully and win easily, whatever happens.