The Blog that's not always wrong.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Can we fix it?

Yes we can!

 The JimmyG2 Column

A fantasy or a nightmare, I can't decide. 

Dear Daniel,
Just an informal thank-you on behalf of the 'Scheduling Committee' for your co-operation in the 'five goal thriller' as the tabloids would have it, on Sunday.

We extend our thanks to Mr.Bale and Mr.Defoe for contriving to miss the late goal in such a convincing manner which had it been scored would have left little time for Manchester to win as agreed in the contract drawn up in the 'Game Schedule'

As a successful businessman yourself you will appreciate the Committee's efforts to extend a warm financial welcome to the multi billionaire Sheikh Mansour and his partners and to keep them 'onside' as it were while we get things sorted out.

You will note that the Committee kept to the terms of the agreement to protect your third place position for another week by the scheduled results of the other games in the Premiership which might have a bearing on your position.

We cannot at this stage promise your final finishing position in 3rd and automatic Champions' League qualification but your co-operation in the match of the 22nd. January will weigh heavily in the Committee's deliberations.

The Mr. Balotelli incident with Mr. Parker is being dealt with as promised and he will receive a 4 game ban or more if he appeals. We trust that this meets with Mr. Redknapp’s approval. We may have underestimated the effect which such an incident may have had on a man recently recovering from heart surgery.

However we note that the senior referee, Howard Webb, assigned to the game dealt authoritatively with the situation by opting for the Arsene Wenger strategy. ( 'I didn't see it', as the popular parlance has it ) This prevented Mr. Balotteli from being sent off and the risk of the penalty being missed by a less experienced candidate.

We also applaud your designation of Mr King as the penalty culprit, though we had thought that a more wayward character, Mr Ekotto or a younger member, Mr Walker, might be assigned to this task.

We note that Mr.Ekotto had kept the ball in play and gifted the ball back to City for their final assault so perhaps it was appropriate that he should be excused from committing the final foul.

The use of Mr. King, your Club Captain and hitherto Talisman, was useful in dispelling any idea that this match might have been subject to manipulation. But that is strictly between ourselves and I advise you to destroy this letter after receipt in the normal way.

By the way when was the last time that Mr. King gave away a penalty? Our records do not pre-date the Premiership era as little of note happened before then we understand.

May I point out that the distribution of the goals was not according to the agreed plan. The scoreless first half followed by Tottenham going 2-0 down and recovering to 2-2 all in the space of 9 minutes was perhaps stretching the fans credulity to the limit and we will have to work on this area in the future.

Leaving the penalty until the last minute of injury time was perhaps a touch over-dramatic too but these kinds of details can be given greater attention as the season progresses.

We are still coming to terms with the collapse of the old order, the Sky Four as it was, and need to pay more attention to co-ordinating the changeover to the new regime with two London clubs and two Manchester clubs comprising the Newly Anointed.

Our designated clubs at the moment are Chelsea and yourselves for the Southern group and your continuing co-operation will make the work of 'Football Fixture Scheduling' (FFS) much easier.

Please note that the original title for this group the 'Fixing Committee' has now been judged inappropriate  and all correspondence should refer to the FFS group.

We are planning to take an equally geographically measured approach to relegation and QPR will join Wigan and Blackburn as our designated teams despite a forceful intervention by Mr.Hughes on behalf of the owners.

I am sure you realise the urgency of initiating the NDP as a means of raising your financial profile and your assurances to myself have been noted. You may have to raise your current wage and renumeration levels in order to impress the FFS group but we have no wish or current plans to interfere in your internal processes.

Chairman to the FFS group.

Video spot. Here it is: the stamp ( issued by the FFS group). You be the judge. The referee didn't see it but everybody can now.


Anonymous said...

The FA has (astonishingly, given the chicken-shit decisions they so often make) called Balotelli to account. Kudos to Webb, whom we slag so often, for stepping up and saying he would have sent off the bastard had he seen the offence (damn him that he did not: no excuse). More importantly, the boys should take great heart from this calling to account. It does not restore the lost 3 popints, still less give us the 3 we might otherwise taken, or even the one for 2 - 2 . But it does say that we were robbed, out there in bold black and white, publicly and officially. Our boys do not need to feel as if they let down the side (if they did feel even an intsy-bitsy bit that way): they did not. We were robbed: now on to win the next 10 in a row!

Matt84 said...

How did you get hold of this letter?

TMWNN said...

FFS indeed.

Matt84's comment is pure gold.

JimmyG2 said...

Us proper journalists never reveal our sources as I said to Brian (The Honourable Lord Justice Leveson to you) only the other day.
However six months outside FA. HQ. disguised as a post box has not been in vain.

First Anon.
It's all sorted as the letter makes clear.
We're just pawns in the grip of higher and much richer forces.
But our card has been marked and we're on for third, however badly we play.
Not that we ever hardly do.

IKnowAlanGilzean said...

Sad for Ledley, I think he was just too damn tired so very late in the game. He had a fine one otherwise, which is simply astonishing in itself. Still skipper still the best in the land.

Balotelli wtf? Why so wound up? And whaddabout Lescott!?

We did fine after a pretty underwhelming first half I felt and while City were the better of the two sides overall for me, a draw would have been a result brooking little complaint I feel.

We are still in there, there's nowt special about City or United and we are good enough for another run. We likely won't do it, but while we might we should give it a lash.

galvin was god said...

being addicted to sympathy (the type that's directed at me) I've been feeling quite good since sunday. 'the neutrals' seem to have become quite passionate about the tottenham title bid and are sick to disgusted with all that rooney balotelli mancunian gobshite cheating and stuff. mallory had some setbacks climbing everest and it's by no means certain he got there, but we can be sure he never gave up. Until he froze to death. let's not freeze now.

JimmyG2 said...

Wow guys. If the boys only draw half the enthusiasm that you do we will be fine.
Actually I think we will, whether it's fixed or not.
The next 10 or so games are sticky looking.
The run-in looks fine.
You know what will happen: We will scale the heights without too much trouble and spin out of control on the downhill run.
And still come third,oh and probably win the Cup.

iratei said...

SO much can happen in the remaining half season - if it were predictable, we wouldn't care to watch. City have been shown to be vulnerable, Man possesses dubious talent - if only our defense weren't so weak on corners and the ocassional lull into ball-watching, I'd say that the gap could easily melt away.
. . . or widen precipitously when we play the bottom half of the table.

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