The Blog that's not always wrong.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Tottenham threatened by micro bugs.

    Cyclospora.N17. 
Could this be the cause of our recent collapse?


 The JimmyG2 Column

Recent medical investigations have revealed that the causes of Tottenham's sudden decline and recent failure may in fact be largely physical rather than purely mental. This is once again good news brought to you by Spurs Musings which hopefully will have a longer shelf life than previous 'Good news' announcements.

We are all familiar with our reputation over the past couple of decades of lacking 'mental strength'. The 'Spurs always let you down' syndrome. This has led to accusations that Spurs have 'bottled it' again this season a phrase we will see has ironic repercussions in this context.

Alan Hansen is taking legal advice and refused to respond to questions when it was pointed out to him that this might be the second time that one of his punditary pronouncements had been shown to be well wide the mark. His dictum that 'You'll never win anything with kids' being comprehensively trashed by Manchester United's young side in the 1995/6 season.

At Spurs the recent acquisitions of tough guys like Sandro and Scott Parker and the recruitment of experienced old pro's like Freidel, Gallas and Nelsen was thought to have finally laid to rest the 'soft centred' image of THFC.

But inexplicably the accusation has arisen once more as Spurs give up a ten point advantage to rivals Arsenal and slip from Premiership contenders to Champions' League hopefuls. How can such mental weakness persist in the light of our recent transfer policies?

If it can be shown that the causes are traceable to specific naturally occurring phenomena then an antidote and cure could be available quite soon. Perhaps not in time to save our Champions' League assault for this season or our game against Chelsea but well in time for 2012/2013.

This is not in any way a recent problem because as long ago as the early 1990's Ministry of Health Officials proposed that all Spurs Season Tickets and Membership cards should bear the warning:
.......'Supporting Spurs Can be Bad for your Health'

After strong representations from the club a successful appeal was made to the European Commission who ruled that any such message would be a direct contravention of EU. Labeling Laws and the provisions were finally dismissed on Health and Safety grounds since this assertion could not at that time be proven.

Now however new evidence has emerged which has led to the proposal being revived and the Club can do little to prevent  if current scientific analysis stands up to further rigorous investigation. But this setback would be a small price to pay if a longstanding myth can be laid to rest and our reputation salvaged.

Biologists at the European Centre for Investigation into Water Quality in Salford have discovered the existence of pathogenic micro-organisms specific to the Tottenham area. Provisionally labelled 'cyclospora N17' this has many symptoms including: nausea, vomiting, muscle aches, fever, and fatigue cramps which may have a direct bearing on  the match day performance our players.

At first it was suspected that this had been caused by ruptured sewage pipes caused by Luftwaffe bombing in WW2. But this was later discounted due to the outstanding success of Tottenham during the 1960's, the continuing form and presence of Dave Mackay, and the fact that no such bombs fell in the area defined.

But later, information emerged that disruption during the preliminary building work around the new stadium could be directly related to the recent failures at Spurs. The sudden worsening of Ledley's knee condition is a specific example and the leg muscle problems of Bill Gallas and Rafael van Der Vaart provide further evidence.
 
The muscle spasm that produced the sublime chip by Defoe to score against Norwich is another. The increasing inability of Tottenham players to pass the ball to a team-mate even over quite short distances could be evidence of both muscle fatigue and cramps.

Further clues lie in the increasing tendency of Gareth Bale to show signs of positional disorientation; Luka's recent lethargy; Adebayor's inconsistency, Assou Ekotto's hair and Kyle Walker's failure to find anybody with a cross are all consistent with just such an infection by a sewage related contamination of the water supply which builds up over time.

Tests are continuing and results are expected quite soon. Years of false attribution are close to an end. Jermaine Jenas may well be due an apology or may even have a legal case for defamation having been the poster boy for the 'Spurs lack mental strength' campaign throughout his Tottenham career.

Bottled water is being supplied by the Enfield Spa Company from its extraction plant on the River Lea for all water activities. This includes drinking, showering, for the medical team's wet sponge, money laundering and at Harry's insistence even for car cleaning until the position becomes clearer.
 
The message from David Levy is clear. 'Do not despair, Spur's fans. Help is at hand from the field of science. In the meantime the advice to the team is simple: 'Don't drink the water'. 'Bottle it; but in a good way'.

Video spot.
An exciting and dramatic short, I promise, film of micro-organisms in a fish tank for those of you that have become really interested in the topic now that it seems likely to be a factor in Spurs fortunes.
Don't switch the sound off as it is really boring without it. 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

nonsense!!

Anonymous said...

#:) luv it!! we need a bit of humour after the awful shite the last couple of months on the pitch!

Anonymous said...

I like the joke ! If Harry and the Team do not pull their finger out they will be the Joke Team of the Season ! I had a long term football pal of mine (not a spurs fan) just e-mail me to say watching Spurs of late is like watching paint dry !
Even Mancini has admitted he has lost the plot and will not win the title ! What will we win ? 4th spot , the FA Cup , us fans deserve both and I watched Dave Mackay play in the 60's greatest player we had ! What would he have done to these wimps in todays team who cannot even carry their wage packets ! I know , the same as he did to Billy Bremner when he kicked him once .

Anonymous said...

There is also that never ending N17 disease, Loosus Lipsus that is highly contagious.
FFS, when are we ever going to learn not to give the opposition more incentive than they need.
Can everyone just shut the F...k up and play the game on the field.

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