The Blog that's not always wrong.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Washing Tottenham's Dirty Linen in Public.

Washing machines? I eat 'em for breakfast.
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The JimmyG2 Column
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 Welcome to No News from Anywhere apart from a little back office revelation of which more later. All quiet then on the Tottenham Front. The lads are dispersed throughout the world of sea, sunshine and sand and even if Musings knew where they were we wouldn't tell you.

They surely deserve a break from the high pressure world of Premiership football having laboured for so little reward in the vineyard of frustration and pain. After all money isn't everything, though I'd rather be miserable with it than without it.

None of our elite squad have been sold or let go apart from Gallas and Bentley and some youngsters who are at the end of their contracts and and as yet no new playmates have arrived. Playmates in the sense of people to play football with not 'Playmates' in the....Well you know full well what I mean. I should think one or two of them are knee deep in 'Playmates'.

Some of our targets have made their excuses and declared themselves 'off the market' due to the lack of Champions' League or their present clubs whispering sweet fortunes in their ears, as indeed we are with our Gareth.

Some were never in the frame in the first place and one or two who shall be nameless have been lit up in neon for far too long and should be quietly switched off and allowed to cool down.. We are making ourselves look rather foolish pursuing players that clearly don't want to come to us.

Meanwhile the list of players we are 'considering making a bid for' or even 'swooping' for gets longer by the day We are still hanging onto our crown jewel despite a report that he has signed for Real Madrid for £90 million. Even in the crazy world of football nobody, not even Real Madrid, will pay that especially while Ronaldo stays. Worth three Modric's: hmmm.

Levy's money saver collapses.

However the really hot wash news which I can reveal today is that that an experiment designed to save money has been abandoned. The project estimated to save upwards of several pounds initiated by Levy last Xmas and kept a closely guarded secret will not continue. It was abandoned after the first disastrous month.

The scheme was the revival of the old amateur system of the lads taking home their kit to wash in their own time and at their own expense. The lady who used to do the washing, an old girl friend of Defoe's, referred to in a friendly way as 'The Scrubber', has been reinstated .

The scheme started on the wrong foot when it was discovered that Aaron couldn't reach the washing line and his request for a step ladder was turned down by Daniel on cost grounds. The application to lower the line was rejected by Health and Safety as it would be a hazard to children.

Hugo kept dashing out and taking his kit in whenever a passing cloud loomed and his jersey was always damp, a health hazard in itself, and he was warned of the likely consequences by the club doctor.

Kyle Walker couldn't work out the washing instructions and after several shirts had shrunk after being washed at too high a temperature he was taken off the scheme. He was simply the first of many which led to the scheme being abandoned.

Gareth couldn't take part as his line was already full of nappies from baby Alba. He was given permission to opt out on compassionate grounds. AVB himself took Bale's kit home as one of the many inducements to keep him at the club.

Benny tie-dyed his on day one with disastrous results; Jermain simply refused to release his kit for inspection; Ade tried to renegotiate his contract to take account of his increased domestic bills and Big Tom wasn't quick enough to take advantage of the brief sunny periods in a wet winter.

Sandro kicked the living shit out of his washing machine when it developed a fault and had to withdraw; Daws headstrong as always picked up the bleach instead of conditioner and his kit fell to pieces. Siggy searched in vain for a hot spring in the Enfield area.

 Scotty forgot to let go of his socks when loading and was drawn head first into the drum and spent some time in casualty. Jan Vertonghen, Moussa and Tom Carroll were the only members of the squad that not only washed and dried their kit but brought it back ironed neatly and folded tidily. 

In the end DL said he would wash everyone's kit for them but a suitable fee could not be agreed in time for next season. It's the first item in Franco Baldini's in tray when he joins us.

I hope you will forgive me for washing the THFC dirty linen in public but I thought you might prefer to read about this little domestic saga, which is exclusive to The 'Musings' by the way, rather than being teased with the usual transfer rumours. More Tales from White Hart Lane as and when.

A warm Musings welcome to Spurs Fan, Alon Berg, who supplies the opening graphic of 'Sandrobeast' for today's column. Much more from him in the future.

Jimmy's Video Spot;
We began with the mighty beast so let's end with him. Here is some footage illustrating the good feeling in the camp at the start of last season.. With Scotty on the wane he is going to be absolutely crucial to us next season and we hope to see him on the pitch very soon alongside our other beast Kaboul. They will have to fight it out for the uber beast title. Younes didn't have to face the washing machine test though and might have the edge.

5 comments:

kab71 said...

Reading that was without doubt the most fun I have had since entering the 7th circle of hell, otherwise known as transfer window. Thank you Jimmy (knee deep?)

JimmyG2 said...

kab71
Knee Deep? I don't know how you live with yourself.

Anonymous said...

can i suggest that is AVB succumbs to blandishments from PSG that we seriously, seriously consider hiring that character tony pulis who was so unfairly sacked by stoke. not only will be employ experts in long throw-ins and burly thugs to play for spurs and have a manager whose taste in touchline garb puts him in a league of his own, but levy will save a pack of cash as pulis will come cheap. i mean saving joe lewis money is what it is all about, ensuring that when EPIC sell the profit will be worth it, isn't it?

JimmyG2 said...

Anon 19:14.
Lets not worry about hypotheticals. He's not going so you're getting aroused about nothing. Generally speaking I don't agree with you although DL is certainly culpable on a number of issues.
He was the one that took a chance on AVB in the first place.

Anonymous said...

i didn't say that he was going, merely that he might. what worries me is that DL and more to the point JL might be unable to resist the buyout of £10m that PSG would have to pay. combine that with up to £80m for GB and can anyone say with confidence that ENIC would not do the deal? DL has been in the top job at WHL since 2001 and what has he achieved? one pathetic trophy. my point is that pennypinching and incompetence has characterised ENIC's rule not ambition to create a top soccer club and it wouldn't surprise me if the same happened this summer. they are awful. they have to go.

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